surprise!

I am a dreamer. I can remember sitting on a little black piece of rubber that hung from the swing set with two silver chains, rocking back and foreth until I got high enough that my toes touched the branches of the tree above me. It wasn’t uncommon for me to sit and swing for hours, and sing, and kick my feet… and daydream. I liked the way the wind felt on my face and the feeling I got from going so so high. It was that tummy tickle kind of feeling and one that made anything seem possible.

I never remember wanting to be a princess with a tiara or a queen who ruled a whole kingdom. (that kind of dreaming didn’t start until the Spring of 2011 when I watched the Royal Wedding from my NYC apartment.)

Until then, I dreamed of being a mom. I loved to close my eyes and imagine holding babies and cooking dinners and desserts and rushing kids to soccer practice and piano, only after falling madly in love with the guy of my dreams and promising forever to each other. My childhood was filled with lots of pretend, but not the Barbie or fairy dust kind. My sisters and I liked to play school, and house, and doctor, and when we were outside we would ride our bicycles, or tricyles, or scooters around the tennis court over and over stopping and starting at the “stop signs” and obeying the “speed limit” in a game we called “traffic.”

Just the thought of being a grownup could entertain us for days, it was our own kind of real life fairytale… and it made us so happy.

…

I had been sick for weeks before the day I just could not take it anymore and decided to drive to the hospital to get to the bottom of it. I had racked my brain and done everything I could to get rid of the constant nausea and stomach pain… On my way, the very most random idea to take a pregnancy test scampered through my thoughts and I just couldn’t shake it. It seemed like the most ridiculous thing I had ever thought in my whole entire life and I kept thinking that over and over…  up until the moment I glanced down at that plastic stick and saw “PREGNANT” in bold across its miniature screen.

…

Life is such an incredible journey and one that I have learned is wonderfully unpredictable. I gave myself that first night to feel all the shock and disappointment that came with the shocking news. Then, I knelt down on top of my tiny bed and said a big prayer.  I had worked my very hardest since the evening my child was made, to get to a healthy and good place in my life and my faith had become my refuge from any turmoil and heartache I had felt over the three months prior.  Prayers were a familiar routine and I had become confident in my relationship with God. I went to bed that night with so many questions and so many worries but when I woke up that very next morning I was overwhelmed with a strong and incredibly deep peace that swallowed up my whole being.  I knew right then, everything would be okay. And it would be, because even though we can not chose every consequence and turn our life takes, we can chose our attitude and the way we embrace those events that we maybe would call a trial, but have the opportunity to let become the sweetest blessings our life has ever known.

This is not the exact life I dreamed of when I was a little girl swinging on those swings with my eyes closed tight. So many things are so different but so many are the same too. I still ride around in traffic, I stop at all the stop signs, I obey (most) all the speed limits and I go to the doctor all the time now… and the real shots…  they feel oddly familiar to the one’s my sisters used to give me with a pinch of their tiny fingers way back when.  I still love the feeling of my tummy being ticked and I do believe that I can do anything I’ve ever wanted if I just try. I believe in following your heart and I believe in the decision to be happy and to embrace life. Because our only other option, to feel sorry for ourselves, or sulk and spend our life consumed with regret, sounds awful and it just won’t do.

This is my life and I am happy.  This experience has already changed me in such a small blink of time, and I know it will be such a magnificent adventure, much more than okay, because I am letting it and because I feel it deep within my soul.

This blog is to tell my story and to have if I ever want to look back someday and mostly... this is for my aunts, so they can keep up with all the happenings of me and this little babe growing inside me. I love them! and I love this child… a love stronger and deeper and bigger than what I ever knew was possible; one that has me anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby… because I am going to be a mom... and that is a dream come true.