around the world
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
we live in a big world. one so enormous, you could spend your whole life exploring its endless corners and cultures. sometimes, my adventurous soul fears it will never see enough! and it probably won't. but somehow, when I got pregnant, this enormous, bigger than life world- the same one I feared was far too big to conquer with all my curiosity... shrunk. really really really small. the world shrunk so small that news of my surprise baby on the way, traveled all the way around and back in what seemed like seconds! and picked up some real exciting details along the way!
gossip is something i've never quite understood, and don't ever want to. who feeds it, and who craves it- I have no idea. but i do know that it is an untamable beast and one that can be quite vicious too.
i live in a small house on top of a hill- or at least on the almost top of a hill. it's made of brick and has a charming bay window and hardwood floors that i love coming home to after a long day of work. which is pretty much what i do. there may be an occasional dinner with friends, furniture shopping, or my new birthing class in between but i can assure to all those who are curious- my life is not nearly as exciting as all those dirty extras our story has picked up along it's way from being passed from ear to ear.
and that's the way i like it. just me and my babe hanging out in this house, that still kinda echoes with unfilled space, eating my latest craving and reading a something-to-do-with-baby book.
yesterday marked the end of the first week of my last trimester. baby had a serious case of the hiccups and i had a craving for pretzels and raspberries dipped in nutella. and that will go down as the perfect celebration for the two of us winning our very first prize together in birthing class. we're quite the team ya know. and we're gonna make it. i have a feeling we're going to make it all the way around the world, us two. parts of the world even our story hasn't made it.
I never remember wanting to be a princess with a tiara or a queen who ruled a whole kingdom. (that kind of dreaming didn’t start until the Spring of 2011 when I watched the Royal Wedding from my NYC apartment.)
Until then, I dreamed of being a mom. I loved to close my eyes and imagine holding babies and cooking dinners and desserts and rushing kids to soccer practice and piano, only after falling madly in love with the guy of my dreams and promising forever to each other. My childhood was filled with lots of pretend, but not the Barbie or fairy dust kind. My sisters and I liked to play school, and house, and doctor, and when we were outside we would ride our bicycles, or tricyles, or scooters around the tennis court over and over stopping and starting at the “stop signs” and obeying the “speed limit” in a game we called “traffic.”
Just the thought of being a grownup could entertain us for days, it was our own kind of real life fairytale… and it made us so happy.
I had been sick for weeks before the day I just could not take it anymore and decided to drive to the hospital to get to the bottom of it. I had racked my brain and done everything I could to get rid of the constant nausea and stomach pain… On my way, the very most random idea to take a pregnancy test scampered through my thoughts and I just couldn’t shake it. It seemed like the most ridiculous thing I had ever thought in my whole entire life and I kept thinking that over and over… up until the moment I glanced down at that plastic stick and saw “PREGNANT” in bold across its miniature screen.
Life is such an incredible journey and one that I have learned is wonderfully unpredictable. I gave myself that first night to feel all the shock and disappointment that came with the shocking news. Then, I knelt down on top of my tiny bed and said a big prayer. I had worked my very hardest since the evening my child was made, to get to a healthy and good place in my life and my faith had become my refuge from any turmoil and heartache I had felt over the three months prior. Prayers were a familiar routine and I had become confident in my relationship with God. I went to bed that night with so many questions and so many worries but when I woke up that very next morning I was overwhelmed with a strong and incredibly deep peace that swallowed up my whole being. I knew right then, everything would be okay. And it would be, because even though we can not chose every consequence and turn our life takes, we can chose our attitude and the way we embrace those events that we maybe would call a trial, but have the opportunity to let become the sweetest blessings our life has ever known.
This is not the exact life I dreamed of when I was a little girl swinging on those swings with my eyes closed tight. So many things are so different but so many are the same too. I still ride around in traffic, I stop at all the stop signs, I obey (most) all the speed limits and I go to the doctor all the time now… and the real shots… they feel oddly familiar to the one’s my sisters used to give me with a pinch of their tiny fingers way back when. I still love the feeling of my tummy being ticked and I do believe that I can do anything I’ve ever wanted if I just try. I believe in following your heart and I believe in the decision to be happy and to embrace life. Because our only other option, to feel sorry for ourselves, or sulk and spend our life consumed with regret, sounds awful and it just won’t do.
This is my life and I am happy. This experience has already changed me in such a small blink of time, and I know it will be such a magnificent adventure, much more than okay, because I am letting it and because I feel it deep within my soul.