I am a dreamer. I can remember sitting on a little black
piece of rubber that hung from the swing set with two silver chains, rocking
back and foreth until I got high enough that my toes touched the branches of
the tree above me. It wasn’t uncommon for me to sit and swing for hours, and
sing, and kick my feet… and daydream. I liked the way the wind felt on my face
and the feeling I got from going so so high. It was that tummy tickle kind of
feeling and one that made anything seem possible.
I never remember wanting to be a princess with a tiara or a
queen who ruled a whole kingdom. (that kind of dreaming didn’t start until the
Spring of 2011 when I watched the Royal Wedding from my NYC apartment.)
Until then, I dreamed of being a mom. I loved to close my
eyes and imagine holding babies and cooking dinners and desserts and rushing
kids to soccer practice and piano, only after falling madly in love with the
guy of my dreams and promising forever to each other. My childhood was filled
with lots of pretend, but not the Barbie or fairy dust kind. My sisters and I
liked to play school, and house, and doctor, and when we were outside we would
ride our bicycles, or tricyles, or scooters around the tennis court over and
over stopping and starting at the “stop signs” and obeying the “speed limit” in
a game we called “traffic.”
Just the thought of being a grownup could entertain us for
days, it was our own kind of real life fairytale… and it made us so happy.
…
I had been sick for weeks before the day I just could not
take it anymore and decided to drive to the hospital to get to the bottom of it.
I had racked my brain and done everything I could to get rid of the constant
nausea and stomach pain… On my way, the very most random idea to take a
pregnancy test scampered through my thoughts and I just couldn’t shake it. It
seemed like the most ridiculous thing I had ever thought in my whole entire
life and I kept thinking that over and over…
up until the moment I glanced down at that plastic stick and saw
“PREGNANT” in bold across its miniature screen.
…
Life is such an incredible journey and one that I have
learned is wonderfully unpredictable. I gave myself that first night to feel
all the shock and disappointment that came with the shocking news. Then, I
knelt down on top of my tiny bed and said a big prayer. I had worked my very hardest since the
evening my child was made, to get to a healthy and good place in my life and my faith had become my refuge from any turmoil and heartache I had felt over the
three months prior. Prayers were a
familiar routine and I had become confident in my relationship with God. I went
to bed that night with so many questions and so many worries but when I woke up
that very next morning I was overwhelmed with a strong and incredibly deep peace
that swallowed up my whole being. I knew
right then, everything would be okay. And it would be, because even though we
can not chose every consequence and turn our life takes, we can chose our
attitude and the way we embrace those events that we maybe would call a trial,
but have the opportunity to let become the sweetest blessings our life has ever
known.
This is not the exact life I dreamed of when I was a little
girl swinging on those swings with my eyes closed tight. So many things are so
different but so many are the same too. I still ride around in traffic, I stop
at all the stop signs, I obey (most) all the speed limits and I go to the
doctor all the time now… and the real shots… they feel oddly familiar to the one’s my
sisters used to give me with a pinch of their tiny fingers way back when. I still love the feeling of my tummy being
ticked and I do believe that I can do anything I’ve ever wanted if I just try. I
believe in following your heart and I believe in the decision to be happy and
to embrace life. Because our only other option, to feel sorry for ourselves, or
sulk and spend our life consumed with regret, sounds awful and it just won’t
do.
This is my life and I am happy. This experience has already changed me in such a small
blink of time, and I know it will be such a magnificent adventure, much more
than okay, because I am letting it and because I feel it deep within my soul.
This blog is to tell my story and to have if I ever want to look back someday and mostly... this is for my aunts, so they can keep up
with all the happenings of me and this little babe growing inside me. I love
them! and I love this child… a love stronger and deeper and bigger than what I
ever knew was possible; one that has me anxiously awaiting the arrival of my baby…
because I am going to be a mom... and that is a dream come true.
